significants and i feel

there are people in my life that are significant. they make me who i am. lately i find that these people have been getting on my nerves. i find some becoming distant. i feel inadequate. i feel like i've done everything wrong.

i feel like i don't do anything fun anymore. i feel like i have nobody to talk to. i feel that when i do talk to people, they don't want to listen. i feel like i've made bad decisions. i feel like i always mess things up.

i have a tendency to not think before i speak. that gets me in trouble. sometimes the things i say cause problems. 

i like when the people i love are happy. when they're not, i don't know what to do. some don't like to be cheered up and when this happens i feel like a fool. 

when i'm upset i test people. it's not a conscious thing, it's just what happens. no matter how many nice things they say, i turn it into a negative. i want to see how hard they try. not many people last long.

i know that's wrong, but i still do it. my lows are low. but when the new day comes, i start out fresh.

what do you do when you feel as if someone's sadness and disappointment is your fault?

i'm at this point. is a breakup in the future?

when you've surrounded yourself with someone for this long they become a part of you.

but the last thing i want is to hold someone from their dreams. if it's meant to be it will be, right?

hope so.

luck is all i have.

Waiting

sitting patiently

awaiting the call

watching the raindrops,

the sundroops fall

transfixed by how easily

those things pass the time

while waiting to see when the time will be mine

getting away

there's part of me that is so obsessed with traveling that i rarely know what to do with myself. i live in such a small town that the idea of the rest of the world is so enticing. there's nothing to do here. and when i say nothing, i mean nothing. we have a sculpture garden. our art museum is seldom open. the bowling crowd is creepy. the downtown scene is creepier. 

so, when i got a taste of europe, i fell in love. in grade eleven i was lucky enough to participate in a history field trip that visited paris and normandy in france; berlin, germany; belgium and amsterdam. ever since i've returned from this trip i've longed to go back. i don't understand how anyone could ever be bored living in such a place. there is always something to do. always. 

i live with my family still, so i'm an official freeloader. part of me is fortunate, but part of me wishes i would have gone away for school. i want to travel the world and learn to be independent. i want to see people living where they live. i want to experience culture and foreignness and just get lost. with european parents this is hard. even going two hours away to stay with a friend for a weekend causes them distress--imagine if i moved out of country! they would have a coronary. 

just one day i want to make something of myself. i want to be known in a place that i love, not some small town genius. i want my name to be on something that travels the world; i want to do something brilliant. i want to be something great.

but, for now i'm stuck in this little town with a name no one knows.

whoever invented lipgloss

must not have had hair. is it just me? every time i put that stuff on my hair gets stuck. how is anyone supposed to pretend they're glamorous if they have to constantly pick hair off their lips? is there a non-sticky lipgloss?

i'll just stick to burt's bees beeswax lip balm...